Street Angel House Devil

The Bare Bones of Narcissism (Terminology & Abbreviations)

BW — Thu, 11 Jun 2020 19:59:06 +0000

Let’s get down to the bare bones of understanding Narcissism, the terminology used and the abbreviations we often see used in articles, blog posts and on social media.

First off, if you are reading this, you probably already know what a Narcissist is. Do you know why is it called narcissism? The term originated from Greek mythology, where the young Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. … Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, narcissism is usually considered a problem in a person’s or group’s relationships with self and others.

Do you know what the most dangerous type of narcissist is? The Malignant Narcissist is the one most dangerous to themselves. They are the most cowardly of narcissist and are also the loneliest and saddest of narcissist. They have the least amount of trust of others and are the least capable of love. Being highly manipulative, they don’t care who they hurt as long as they get their way. They see the world in black and white terms.

What is a covert narcissist? A Covert Narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance as well as lacks empathy toward others but can act in a more sly, hidden and deceptive way.

What is an overt narcissist? The Overt Narcissist is easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, and insensitive to the needs of others and always thirsty for compliments. Their behaviors can be easily observed by others and tend to show up as “big” in a room

The MayoClinic describes the Signs and symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and the severity of symptoms vary. People with the disorder can:

Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Be envious of others and believe others envy them
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they perceive as criticism, and they can:

Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special treatment
Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted
React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior
Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior
Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change
Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection
Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

From Psychology Today these terms are explained as follows:

Gaslighting – Narcissistic gaslighting occurs when people with narcissistic personality disorder refuse to admit that they are wrong or have done something bad to their mate. Even when they are caught in the act, they will often try to convince the other person that he or she is paranoid and is imagining the whole thing. (see our blog post on “Are You Being Gaslighted?)

Flying Monkeys – Flying monkeys are the slang term for any group of people that the narcissist enlists as allies to persecute someone that the narcissist hates. To gain their support, the narcissist makes up lies that portray the other person as evil and the narcissist as the real victim.

Going “Gray Rock” – (also see our blog post on “Gray Rock Method – Dealing with a Narcissist or Sociopath”) – If you are involved with a narcissist whom you cannot avoid, many people advise going gray rock. This means that your manner during your interactions with the narcissist is as boring, unemotional, and neutral as you can manage. Essentially, you become as uninteresting as a gray rock.

Love Bombing – The term love bombing is now used to describe narcissists’ over-the-top courtship tactics when they are chasing someone that they are trying to seduce or make fall in love with them. It is wildly romantic behavior that includes constant praise, promises of undying love, thoughtful little gifts, late-night texts, and anything and everything that the narcissist thinks will secure the love of the person he or she has chosen. This intense positive attention is often accompanied by pressure for a quick commitment. Unfortunately, once the narcissist actually secures the person’s love, the love-bombing generally stops and is eventually replaced by devaluation or indifference.

Hoovering – The term hoovering has now been extended to refer to a narcissist’s attempts to suck a discarded mate back into a relationship by saying and doing things that the ex would find irresistible.

Narcissistic Supplies – The term narcissistic supplies, or supply for short, describes anything and anyone that narcissists use to regulate their self-esteem. The purpose of narcissistic supplies is to enhance the narcissist’s sense of being special.

We find this one Really Interesting – Have you heard of it before?

Narcissistic Word Salad – The term narcissistic word salad is essentially a misuse of an important psychological term. Instead of referring to an involuntary verbal sign of a severe mental illness, such as schizophrenia, it is being used as a slang term for a type of narcissistic speech that is purposefully confusing. Listeners find narcissistic word salad extremely frustrating because the narcissist is using circular reasoning, outright lies, denial, or mis-characterizations of past events to avoid being wrong or having to take responsibility for something.

And last but not least Roles in the family with Narcissistic Parents

The Narcissistic Family System: The Golden Child & The Scapegoat – (a/k/a Black Sheep) –

The Golden Child: This is the term for the narcissistic parent’s favorite child. This child is idealized as perfect and special. The parent projects all the positive qualities of this golden child and brags about his or her wonderful accomplishments to anyone who will listen.
The Scapegoat – (a/k/a Black Sheep): This child is the object of all the narcissistic parent’s negative projections. He or she is devalued and treated as an insignificant loser who is blamed for everything that goes wrong, including things that are clearly other people’s fault.

Here are some Abbreviations you may see in your reading and are explained as follows:

NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder

NM Narcissistic Mother

NMIL Narcissistic Mother In Law

ACON Adult Children of Narcissist

DNP Destructive Narcissistic Patterns

NS Narcissistic Supply

DPD Dependent Personality Disorder

BPD Borderline Personality Disorder

DH Dear Husband

DW Dear Wife

Bio-Mom or BM Biological Mom

Bio-Dad or BD Biological Dad

LC Limited or Low Contact

NC No Contact

PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

C-PTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

FOC Family of Choice

FOO Family of Origin

SO Significant Other

STBX Soon to be Ex

IMO In my opinion

IMHO In my humble opinion

Here is an interesting term – this is a great one to remember:

JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. To avoid circular conversations, DON’T Justify Argue, Defend, or Explain with a Narcissist. It will get you nowhere.

If you have other Abbreviations you’ve seen used, please share them with us in the comments section.

AND Last but not least:

SAHD – Street Angel House Devil – Acts one way in public – like an Angel, and when behind closed doors acts like a Devil.

Gray Rock Method – Dealing with a Narcissist or Sociopath

BW — Wed, 03 Jun 2020 22:09:32 +0000

When dealing with a narcissist or sociopath one way to deal with them is to act like a “gray rock” meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. When using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don’t feed their needs for drama or attention.

You become emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually act like a rock. Emotional detachment serves to undermine a narcissist’s attempts to lure and manipulate, causing them to grow uninterested and bored.

When you practice the “gray rock” method, they’ll have nothing to spin into drama, and in most cases, you’ll be surprised how quickly they will lose interest in you. Although it’s extremely effective, some people, find this technique tough at first.

When the Narcissist asks you questions you can’t avoid answering, keep your face blank, and your response vague. Answer with “mm-hmm” or “uh-huh” instead of “yes” or “no”. Avoid eye contact if you can. If they start complaining about something, and you can’t answer with a “yes” or “no” you can just say “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

Do not tell the Narcissist you are gray rocking them. Sometimes it is best to cut off all contact with a Narcissist, but if that’s not possible, try gray rocking them and keeping your contact minimal. Be warned they aren’t going to like being gray rocked. My personal experience is they tend to start yelling because you aren’t engaging and answering what they want to know. They can become more abusive in their language and try to put you down. They also can become more persistent in trying to get you to engage with them. Be strong! We’ve included some great input on Emotional Insulation to help you protect yourself from the abusive behavior of a Narcissist.

Emotional Insulation: (from the book – Children of the Self-Absorbed – by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., L.P.C.)

You are setting up a barrier so that others’ emotions do not trigger or intensify your corresponding emotions. For example, anger is projected on you, and you already have some anger, if you don’t take steps to prevent it, the projected anger will intensify your own anger. Emotional insulation can prevent this from happening. Always keep the emotional insulation in place when interacting with a destructive narcissistic parent.

Some different suggestions you can use for a barrier are:

A shield
A suit or armor
Mirror that reflects back to the person
Fence – of any type or as high as you want
A walled partition
Wind blowing back in their direction

Avoid Confrontation, it allows the narcissist to see how their behavior has an impact on you.

Avoid trying to Empathize, when you empathize with someone you open yourself up to experiencing the person’s inner world. You will find it more productive and comfortable to sympathize or be understanding, but not empathize.

Avoid Self Blame – Blame is very shame producing and feeling shamed is very wounding. Your very “self” is attacked as inadequate, unworthy, incompetent, and flawed and this shaming also carries the implication that you can never overcome these deficits. You do not need to blame yourself for:

Not being perfect
Failing to anticipate your parent’s (narcissists) needs or wants
Appropriately meeting your own needs
Disappointing your parent (narcissist)

Give up unrealistic fantasies. The reality is:

Your destructive narcissistic parent will not change
Your parent will not accept you as you are
Your family can not be “perfect”

Remember, the destructive narcissist is more focused on their own needs rather than focusing on your needs, or emotions. You will need to become satisfied and happy with who you are and with other positive people in your life. This is easier said than done, but with practice it gets easier.

Going No Contact with a Narcissist will be the Longest & Toughest Road You Will Ever Travel

STCB — Fri, 27 Mar 2020 17:44:17 +0000

You may find this especially hard while the world is going through the COVID-19 health crisis, or any crisis. The Narcissist won’t change their behavior because of what’s going on in the world. As a matter of fact, their behaviors could be worse. What is going on affects everyone, not just the Narcissist, however they still may try to make it all about themselves. They may even try to guilt you into believing they have contracted the illness.

There is a difference between going through the storm with someone vs. going through the storm because of someone. Don’t confuse the two.

Having an Empathic Heart, you may be feeling doubt, guilt and a need to express your empathy. Remember, if you feel the need to contact them, things might seem like they are different initially, but BEWARE this is only for a short period of time. They now know they have you on the hook again. It won’t be long before they revert right back to their prior behaviors of their own self-importance and abuse.

Use this time of social distancing – self isolation – or whatever your community is calling it to your advantage to reinforce the “no contact”. Focus on things you enjoy doing. Catch up on projects you haven’t had time to accomplish. Do some things for yourself such as self-care and self-love. Reach out to others that love you, support you, and you haven’t had time to connect with.

Be Strong – Don’t contact the Narcissist.

Are You Being Gaslighted?

STCB — Sat, 14 Mar 2020 22:55:56 +0000

Underhanded and Stealthy, Gaslighters effectively use manipulation to gain control and power

Gaslighters display certain operative traits that can help identify whether you are being subjected to such behavior. The following list is not all inclusive, but a start, as the more you are aware of their methods, the faster you will be able to spot them and avoid falling prey to the gaslighter’s snare.

They use confusion to diminish your stability.
In order to lessen your feeling of stability, perhaps, normalcy – a Gaslighter will make you constantly question everything and create doubt. They want you to see them as your source for the stability you seek.
They steadily wear you down.
Gaslighters are systematic and wear you down slowly – a backhanded comment here, a fib here, a fabrication there. Over time it gradually increases, we never realize what is happening to us.
Their actions do not match their words.
Like the old saying goes ”actions speak louder than words”, pay attention to what the gaslighter does, not their words. What they are saying means nothing, empty talk; what they are actually doing is the important issue.
They know what is important to you and use it against you.
The Gaslighter knows your identity and reputation are important to you. If you have children, they know your children are important to you. These will be among the first things targeted by them. The Gaslighter will undercut your reputation behind your back, your trustworthiness. They will do this with anyone who will listen, including your children. All the while reinforcing themselves as the upright, reasonable and trustworthy person – all at your expense.
They bamboozle you with positive reinforcement or a compliment.
Gaslighters are always looking for ways to get you to question your reality. So why not throw you a bone by praising you for something you did. Mind you, this is the same person that has been cutting you down, making you question your own self-worth. The gaslighter wants to lull you into thinking, “Geez- maybe they really are not so bad.” Hold on a moment, YES the Gaslighter really is that bad. This is just another calculated move on their part.
They outright lie and deceive.
Even when a gaslighter is caught “dead to rights” – “caught in the act”, they will look you straight in the eye and proclaim their innocence. Consistent with their goal, they want you to question your reality, your understanding of events, and, instill doubt. They may even tell you that you are the one who is crazy, that you are the one losing your mind. Remember, look at what they do and not what they say.
They plot and backbite to align people against you.
Gaslighters are experts in seeking out and finding the persons they know they can manipulate, and, will unquestionably stand by them. They will and do use these people against you; be it family, friends, co-workers or whomever. Their goal is to isolate you. They will make statements that so-and-so said this or so-and-so said that. However, there is a good chance these people never said any such thing, as the gaslighter is a consistent liar. They are increasing your feeling of who can you trust. Isolation provides the gaslighter more control.
They state to others that you are crazy.
A Gaslighter wants to get everyone to believe that you are fragile and unstable. They openly question your sanity in order to preempt any information or claims about the gaslighter’s intent or abuse. This is one of their most effective tactics.
They project their behavior.
Gaslighters constantly accuse you of the behavior and/or emotions they themselves are guilty of. They project their conduct onto you often enough that you now are the one defending yourself, for things you have not done or are guilty of. They are shifting the light off of themselves and onto you, a distraction providing cover for their behavior.
They never own what they have said.
A Gaslighter makes a statement about someone or something, or represents they will do something – you know what they actually said and you know you absolutely heard it. However, they outright deny saying any such thing. You may even have proof, but the gaslighter sticks to their denial. It makes you start questioning your reality, perhaps I got it wrong. In actuality you have it right, but now you are starting to accept their reality.
They never own the troubles they have instigated.
Gaslighters will avoid having to explain themselves or take responsibility for their actions. They will state that others are to blame, are overreacting or were wrong to bring the situation up in the first place.
They never own or keep the promises they have made.
To a Gaslighter, a promise is nothing more than words in the moment. Their promises are empty, as they never intend to fulfill or keep them. As the saying goes, a gaslighters’ promise is an “empty promise”.
They will put you in a quandry using 'Double Binds'.
A Gaslighter will give you two options, both of which are undesirable. Or, they may send opposing messages your way. One message negates the other. You quickly find yourself in a no-win situation.

We hope this sheds a little light on what to be on the lookout for. Keep in mind, gaslighting is a tactic used to gain power and control over a person and everyone is susceptible to it. The manipulation is done slowly, over time, to make one doubt their own reality.

Effects Of Chronic Narcissistic Abuse On Your Physical Health

BW — Wed, 12 Feb 2020 19:47:21 +0000

Have you ever wondered if the stress you’ve endured either growing up under a Narcissist or being in a long term relationship with a Narcissist can make you physically ill?

I grew up with Narcissistic parents, had a blood disorder in my teens, and in my young 20’s was diagnosed with a systemic autoimmune disease. Which almost took my life on more than one occasion. I am still dealing with the on-going effects of this disease, and have also been unfortunate enough to have had cancer later in life. I’ve dealt with some very serious health issues throughout my life, and have seen more and more people questioning abuse and health issues.

Extreme chronic emotional stress is a catalyst for a number of physical changes within the body.

Being chronically abused creates a state of stress and distress within you, a state of constant negative anticipation, which changes the way your brain reacts to circumstances and stresses later in life. Whether they be large or small, your reserves to cope have been weakened, their context does not matter. These changes eventually become hardwired to hyper-react and make it difficult to stand down. Or, stand-up to draining stimuli. The effect cuts both ways.

If you’ve been emotionally abused (not lessening the effects of physical abuse here), know that it’s not your fault. There is no “correct” way to feel about it. Emotional abuse (any abuse) isn’t normal nor is it ever healthy, but your feelings of hurt, fear and letdown are justified.

Emotional abuse can lead to mental and physical symptoms that shouldn’t be ignored. Chronic emotional abuse and the stress therefrom will eventually manifest physically. Your mind and body can only take so much.

The American Psychological Association lists a cornucopia of negative health effects due to stress, such as muscle tension; headaches; asthma attacks; rapid breathing leading to panic attacks; cardiovascular problems; hypertension; inflammation of the circulatory system; higher cholesterol levels; increased epinephrine and cortisol levels; adrenal fatigue; insulin resistance and Type 2 diabetes; heartburn; gastrointestinal distress; irritable bowel syndrome; erectile dysfunction; irregular, painful, or absent menstruation; increased menopausal hot flashes; and reduction in sexual libido.

Some additional things that can stem from emotional abuse:

Memory loss

Fear

Anger

PTSD (angry outbursts; being startled easily, negative thoughts, flashbacks creating rapid heartbeat)

CPTSD (chronic PTSD)

Difficulty concentrating

Moodiness

Muscle Tension

Insomnia/Nightmares

Racing heartbeat/Anxiety
Various other aches and pains

Some of the most common autoimmune diseases are:
(Chronic stress can increase the chances of these occurring)

Rheumatoid arthritis
Lupus
Diabetes type 1
Celiac’s disease
Multiple sclerosis
Crohn’s disease
Ulcerative colitis
Hashimoto’s thyroiditis
Grave’s disease
Guillian-Barre
Myasthenia gravis
ALS
Scleroderma
Sjögren’s
Psoriasis

Symptoms vary with each autoimmune disease, but some common symptoms include fatigue; joint or muscle pain; muscle soreness, numbness, or weakness; changes in weight; changes in bowel movements; abdominal pain; and skin rashes.

This information doesn’t mean that because you have suffered abuse that you will develop any of these disorders, everyone’s body reacts differently in each situation. If you are questioning how you are feeling, or see a pattern in your health presenting itself, perhaps, discuss it with your doctor.

Ways to help deal with having a Chronic condition:

Join a support group. There are plenty of support groups for chronic health conditions, as well as national organizations.

Educating and empowering yourself to manage stress

Learning coping mechanisms – meditation; positive affirmations, etc.

Get physically active. Exercise of at least 90 minutes a week can help you sleep better, keep your mind sharp, and reduce the risk of depression. Even less physical exercise like a walk everyday helps. Just keep moving.

Stay Social. Friends can help you heal. Enjoying the company of others can be enough to boost your spirits.

Watch your diet. When you are stressed you can wind up eating all the wrong things. Make sure to eat a variety of veggies, fruits and lean proteins.

Make a good night sleep a priority. If you have trouble going to sleep, try easing some of your stress by listening to soothing music; aromatherapy (lavender oil); deep breathing exercises, and meditation.

Volunteer. Find a cause you like and step out and help. When you help others, it takes the focus off of you and it makes you feel good.

Remember, what works for one person may not work for another. As always, if you find yourself stuck and none of these things change the way you feel, be sure to speak to a medical professional.

Quick Guide to Stop the Hurting from Narcissistic Abuse

STCB — Sun, 02 Feb 2020 03:19:04 +0000

The book “Children of the Self-Absorbed” (a grown up’s guide to getting over Narcissistic Parents**) by Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., LPC, has a wonderful chapter on How to Stop Hurting. Use these as a beginning, six of the eight key points she discusses are referenced below: (**also applies to spouse, ex-spouse, significant other, etc.)

Give up the Fantasy – the narcissist admits their errors; the narcissist suffers because of what he/she has done to you; you are vindicated; the narcissist will change because they recognize what was done to you.

Strategies to reduce fantasies and become more realistic:

- - - It is unrealistic to expect them to change, and wishing won’t make it happen.
    - Realize you can’t change another person.
    - I’ll love and accept myself.
    - I’ve got more constructive and satisfying things to do than this.

Using self-talk and self-affirmations. –Examples of this might be – I have many strengths and talents and the narcissist’s criticism of me is not correct. I can value and cherish myself without requiring external validation.

Reach out to others – listen to another person more than you talk about yourself; don’t rush to solve another person’s problems or concerns, acknowledge and respect differences of opinions, values and thoughts.

When you learn to reach out to others without being overwhelmed, or fearing abandonment, or being destroyed you are making progress in building yourself. You need positive, healthy, and emotionally supportive relationships.

Find Beauty and Wonder – scenery, children at play, music; try new things.

- Wonder is all around us, it could be humor, curiosity and interest in learning new things.
- Ask yourself ‘what’ and ‘why’ questions.

Changing the pace – do things differently – if you watch TV or listen to the radio first thing in the morning, instead try planning your day and/or watching the sunrise; if you wait until the last minute to think about meals try some meal planning and do your shopping in advance; do not leave clutter around, try picking up after yourself; drive a different route to work.

Bring Mindfulness to your life – Mindfulness is done with conscious thought and intention. You expand your awareness in the moment and notice, appreciate, and even sometimes savor what you are experiencing. This awareness allows you to notice things you didn’t notice before, perhaps, bringing something into clearer focus.

Is there anything on the list you would be willing to try? They all seem easy to do. However, implementing change, after abuse, can be overwhelming. Perhaps, pick and try one thing from above, add more over time. Some might be harder to do than others, taking a first step is the key.

Keep in mind that to ‘give up the fantasy’ you will need to take time to identify and understand what those fantasies (wishes/hopes) are. A posture of continued wishful thinking will keep you trapped and the narcissist’s power over you will remain. Like a diet, a mind shift (change in behavior) is necessary to overcome those fantasies. Without a change in behavior, like a diet, you will never lose the weight or you will gain it back – the fantasy(ies) will continue or come back. (#1)

Quiet thought and self-introspection are required for some aspects of the healing process. Write your self-affirmation’s on an index card and keep it handy. Keep it on your night stand or on the bathroom mirror. (#1, #2 & #6)

Do you have a hobby, sport, dream or activity you gave up? Something you desire to do or really enjoyed doing? Put it or, if more than one, them back on the calendar to try or do again. (#3 & #4)

Take a different route home, notice the sunset, the clouds, and take the time to look outside yourself. (#4 & #5)

Easier said than done, however, move forward and take care of yourself, you deserve it!

Narcissistic Abuse & “Shame”

BW — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 20:55:12 +0000

How many of you feel shame?

Do you question yourself and wonder if I should have known better? You tell yourself I’m supposed to be smart, why didn’t I recognize what was going on sooner. Why didn’t I leave or go no contact sooner?

Abuse by a Narcissist causes you to doubt yourself and question if it’s something you are doing wrong. They manipulate you into questioning your own sanity and perception of reality. They are masters of button pushing.

Most people abused by Narcissists are deeply empathetic and believe they can fix the Narcissist. An Empath thinks the narcissist doesn’t really mean to do what they are doing. Rationalizing and making excuses for the narcissist’s behavior.

Shame carves deep scars in people who have endured psychological abuse. Abuse can become synonymous with shame. You question yourself, am I making something bigger out of a situation. You tell yourself others have endured so much worse than I have. You tell yourself it wasn’t that bad.

Abuse is abuse, no matter what the circumstances were or are. Take for example- Two persons, one drowns in 5 feet of water and the other drowns in 20 feet of water, end result is they both drown. Abuse is abuse.

Narcissists lack empathy. They don’t consider their actions or the implications those actions have on others. They never take responsibility for their actions either. They need to feed their ego, their inflated sense of self and entitlement at the expense of others. Narcissist’s often target someone who has a huge capacity to empathize with others. Resulting in the Empath placing the narcissist’s needs above their own.

it wasn’t until the late 1980’s that narcissistic abuse became more widely recognized and accepted. In the 1990’s one began to see more and more written on the subject, regarding the growth of narcissistic abuse in society. Unfortunately, narcissism and the resulting narcissistic abuse has become an epidemic. The embedded and reinforced sense of entitlement in our society fuels the narcissism epidemic.

Shame comes out of frustration and fear of being misunderstood. For example, when you try to tell others and explain what has happened to you and how you were treated/mistreated, they look at you as you are the problem, no one can be that bad, and they walk away from you – the actual victim.

In her book “I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)”, author and speaker Brené Brown calls shame a “silent epidemic”:

Brown says that shame needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment. It’s no wonder, then, that people who have endured abuse at the hands of an intimate partner/family member are so likely to feel ashamed about it. Abusers thrive on secrecy, silence, and judgment. They rely on planting the very feelings that nourish shame.

With little self-worth, we’re not good at setting healthy boundaries. Or caring about ourselves first. So, we are ripe for manipulation by them. We believe them when they tell us their behavior is our fault. We are primed to put their needs above our own.

Narcissists can detect and exploit a person’s inner feeling of shame, acquired somewhere in our childhood, that tells us we are not good enough.

They know exactly what buttons to push to re-open the wound of that damaged inner child. They, also, know the ones that soothe us, make us feel special and good again. The ups and downs of a narcissist’s manipulations.

When they love-bomb us at the start. When they pour out their love for us after abusing us, we’re grateful for it. It fills that void. It makes the emptiness go away.

That hole inside us was dug out in childhood. Somehow our emotional needs weren’t fully met, so we never feel that we are good enough.

If our emotional needs aren’t met as a child, we grow up with shame.

How do we overcome shame?

The first step is to start sharing in a comfortable, confidential, and safe environment. Once you start sharing your story and getting some validation it should diminish some of that shame. Join groups of people that have experienced the same or similar behaviors. People that you can relate to and know you are not alone. If the shame does not go away after these steps, you may need to talk to a professional to work through this and, perhaps, some other issues that are a result of being abuse.

Remember you are not alone and we are in this together.

‘Tis The Season – Narcissists And Gifts – Some Things To Keep In MindActually, good guidance year round…

STCB — Tue, 24 Dec 2019 16:48:01 +0000

Narcissists turn on their personality, charm and are very adept at keeping the focus on their veneer of perfection. Spending time around a narcissist can be draining, leaving you fatigued, disillusioned, perhaps, a bit withered. A narcissist can also use gift giving and/or receiving as a means to control the narrative about themselves and, also, about you. Narcissists feel entitled to receive nice gifts, but feel no need to give nice gifts.

For the narcissist, there is always a show attached to the giving, and, a narcissist does not give out of humility and compassion. A narcissist gives “gifts” that characterize their own desires, not from a desire to assist or please others. Gift giving is often combined with inflated stories of what they gave and how it was received. No doubt, the narcissist will repeat these stories over and over again.

Narcissistic giving comes from a need for approval, maintaining a relationship and to maintain control in that relationship. It stems from an entrenched need for power and control and they will do what they feel is needed to the keep the approval flowing.

If, by chance, you do get an expensive gift, or one they consider to be of high-value, from a narcissist, it is not because they think you are awe-inspiring. They may give a valuable gift because they want you (and, the world) to continue to think that they are awe-inspiring. A narcissist in reality sees the gift they give to you as a gift to themselves. There will be strings attached. You also will never here the end of it.

Their giving is conditioned on how you act and whether or not the narcissist judges you as worthy. They expect and demand never-ending loyalty and gratitude in return. You must remind the narcissist (and, the world) of how great they are. However, do not expect reciprocity from the narcissist.

Gifting or giving, in any form, is a channel that narcissists use to gaslight, spread innuendo, exert control and remind you (and, the world) of your place, worthiness. There giving is not altruistic, a narcissist’s generosity is designed to pull you deeper into a hole of indebtedness and their web of influence, their neediness for control, superiority and adoration.

The narcissist pronounces their displeasure that the gift you gave them is not nice enough. However, you have no such reciprocal right of expression. In fact, the gifts you receive will be unpleasantly lacking. Any disappointment on your part will be met with stonewalling or you will never here the end of it.
The narcissist expects gifts that are expensive, extravagant even if you cannot afford such. They believe they are worth every penny and more. Anything less will be taken as your lack of proper respect and love for the narcissist.
When a narcissist asks you what you would like as a gift for your birthday, Christmas or whatever occasion; if you answer, you can rest assured you probably won’t get it.
If you do not like the narcissist’s gift when you receive it, they will consider you ungrateful and let you (and, the world) know it.
There are two sets of rules in a relationship with a narcissist. One set for the narcissist and the other set for you.
The narcissist will buy you an inexpensive gift or give you a hand-me down or used item as a gift, while giving other family members nicer more expensive meaningful gifts. If challenged, they will have a ready made explanation and pretense. It’s possible they may not give you a gift, perhaps, in front of others while feigning an excuse. They may not attempt or put much thought into wrapping your gift. Whatever, in the end, the message is you do not measure up and are not worthy.
If you give a narcissist the gift you know they have always talked about, you know it is finally the “right” one. Or, it is the gift they have specifically asked for, they simply cannot complain. Well, even so, they will complain the style is wrong, the color is wrong. Heck, they may even say they never asked for it or mentioned it. A narcissist never owns what they say.
It is not uncommon for narcissists to ruin holidays and special occasions with their behavior. Or, feel comfortable in displaying their contempt and berate you on a special day or event.

Keep in mind that a narcissist will never change, as they believe everyone else has a problem.

God, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.

No Contact with a Narcissistic Family Member and Grief

BW — Wed, 11 Dec 2019 20:35:30 +0000

We haven’t found grief discussed much in social media, blog posts or other sources. Sometimes the best choice is to go NO contact, and, your lead to believe everything will be rainbows and unicorns. Maybe for some people that happens, but there is a grieving process we go through.

When you go no contact with the narcissist, keep in mind that it usually spreads from there to other family members and friends. The narcissist has already created the trap, created doubt about you within their entourage (aka harem). They have already reinforced you as the perpetrator. Family members and friends, believing the lies the narcissist has been spreading about you, also tend to disappear and are no longer in your life.

We grieve these relationships, no matter how bad they were, because, they were somewhat of a norm to us. We developed coping to some degree to get through. Once NO contact is put in place, you lose a part of your life. Phone calls, cards, holidays, daily life is all different. There are times when you are doing something or see something that you would have normally shared, but now… silence.

Grief has 5 stages, and we all don’t follow any set pattern in getting through. These 5 stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Hopefully Acceptance is at the end of these and you can move on with your life. You may skip several of these steps or be stuck in one step longer than someone else. Healing happens gradually, it can’t be forced or rushed.

Dealing with grief:

Acknowledge your pain.
Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
Recognize the difference between grief and depression.

What do the five stages of grief mean?

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

As we previously mentioned, you don’t have to go through all of these stages in order to heal.

Myths and facts about grief and grieving:

Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.

Myth: It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

Myth: Grieving should last about a year.

Fact: There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person.

Myth: Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.

Fact: Moving on means you’ve accepted your loss—but that’s not the same as forgetting.

Emotional symptoms of grief can be – shock and disbelief; sadness; guilt, anger, fear. Most of us that have been abused by a Narcissist, are empaths. The Narcissists behavior is so foreign to us. We can’t understand how someone can behave like they do, since it is so opposite of how we behave.

Physical symptoms of grief can be – Fatigue, Nausea, Lowered Immunity, Weight loss or weight gain; Aches and pains and Insomnia.

Seek support while you are grieving. Find someone you can trust, and if need be, seek counseling. Remember that most people don’t know what to say while you are going through this. If they personally haven’t dealt with a Narcissist, it may be hard for them to understand. Some recommend turning to family and friends, this can be awkward, since we are already no contact with certain family members. This is possible if there are some family members not in the Narcissists web you can confide in.

Take care of yourself while you are going through this process. Also keep in mind, there are social media support groups (private groups) that can assist with healing after narcissist abuse. Sharing and getting support through these may help you work through your grief, and also let you know you are not alone.

Reading and researching Narcissistic behavior and discovering coping skills may also help you.

Remember there are things that may trigger you, (Holidays, anniversary’s, birthdays, milestones, seeing something in a store, etc..). Give yourself some grace, if something does trigger you, this is Normal!

While you are taking care of yourself, get out, make new friends, join new groups, and engage in hobbies you enjoy and things you haven’t had time to do, things that are positive and strengthen you. Going back to the things we enjoy and that bring us happiness feeds our souls.

Remember you are not alone and we are in this together.

How your THOUGHTS Create or Destroy Your SELF CONFIDENCE

STCB — Fri, 06 Dec 2019 01:53:16 +0000

Believe in Yourself....

Narcissistic Abuse can affect one’s self-esteem and self-confidence. In this video Ed Mylett touches on ways to rebuild your self-confidence. Self-doubt comes from external influences. Self-confidence is within you. Ed discusses the sources of the flawed beliefs we have come to hold within ourselves. He discusses ways to overcome those beliefs and rebuild your self-confidence.